INTP much

“Other people’s stuff is shit and your shit is stuff.”

—   

George Carlin

Off Topic: To people who steal bike lights

People who steal bike lights: 

No it’s not that I have to spent a few more bucks for a new one. And not because I have to make plans and to emotionally connect to a spanking new piece of plastic. I am glad it entertained you. And quite frankly, if happiness comes so easy, I will be giving out free bike lights on the street.

You see, I forgot to bring the lights in. And it’s most likely my fault, that I deserve to navigate unlit side streets, hitting every potholes and bumps and jolt my brain. And that, I cannot find the keyhole to my door in the dark patio. And that, a drunk person may run out in their stylish black attire. And that, it will be hard for the parked driver to not “door” me. And that, I may not give enough notice to a car at the crossroad. I shouldn’t have biked. Too physically or mentally weak to push my bike up the slope home. It’s all my fault. Thou I did enjoy the fact you’ve granted me excuse to curse and swear in different manners and languages.

No it’s never about the bike lights. It’s the value in safety. If you steal my wheels and seat, I will understand that buy you happiness that last more than a few minutes and maybe a few beer. You, my friend however, use the light well. You better be dancing to that thing like it’s a disco ball.

A letter I was afraid to write and afraid to show. It is buried here now.

Please excuse me for a moment of self expression. This may get a bit uncomfortably personal so please move on if you are not ready for so. I wrote a letter scared so I will bury it here. 

You have done so much creating me a safe space. And I finally realize today, why I wasn’t able to enjoy intimacies. I was self-conscious, about myself, about your expectations, about logic, about bodily distractions, to the point I was fully occupied by these thoughts, cannot let go, cannot trust and cannot share my energy. I was used to giving, and is flabbergasted when you empowered me, to allow my intuition to respond to yours, as timid as it was, to own a piece of our interactions.

I used up all my energy, to battle thoughts, to hold on, to control, physically and mentally. Drained, I was exhausted and I felt I owe it to you your presence, your understanding and your patience. I wasn’t able to rest and I wasn’t able to stop. 

I need to give in, to strip away these distractions and let expression flow. I lack the words but I know I am in check with my head and my heart and have the power of honest gestures. Your words gave me confidence. I have never felt before, that I have the power or deserve this credit.

Perhaps I was/am one of those people who did/does not love myself. Some say, those people do not deserve love. The words that you say to me, overwhelmed me to the point that the only way for me to emote appreciation is to slowly let tears drip down my cheeks. All I knew was to give unconditionally, without credit, without expectation. I thought it retains people, but I drain all of myself, and left nothing to the places that matters. Your energy sustained me and kept me up as I slipped away.

I have been fixing my own problems for years, I didn’t understand why it was worth it for you to do so. But I know now, I was too over my head to think I own all my problems, that I can get by unnoticed. I never mean to, want to and I thought I can hide all my burden within myself. That by giving, they will never surface, and I can quietly look at people’s happy faces.

You knew. You care. Beyond your understanding and mine. Learning and practicing, each and everyday. Your fear is mine but I am ok now, because, just because.

I never end my thoughts properly. If this letter disappeared one day, it’s because I have lost my courage.

Do you belong?

If I cannot find a seat in the room, is this event not made for such a guest? Do you make your own room, do you sit on the floor, do you steal someone else’s seat or do you quietly leave the room?

I haven’t had a lot to say lately. I found fresh air outside the packed room. I am not really sure what happened in there. Sometimes I peek through the window and my breath fogged up the glass. I tried wiping the steam off the glass but gave up halfway and started doodling pictures with my finger instead. 

Once in a while someone will look back at me through the clear parts of the window my finger has touched. Quickly they realize they are looking at my message backwards and retreat back into crowd. 

Sometimes passersby see me writing and my messages the right way. But they are all too busy with their own things and hurried on. “Cheers”, they say. They turn the corner and I never see them again. I wonder where they are off to.

I am not sure why I am standing here at the window. Fascinated by the hustle and bustle. When I look around and across the street I see others doodling on their windows, but they are all busy writing their own message, back towards me.

I’d hop on a bus and now I am on the inside of a window. Everyone seems to be walking so slowly. I find comfort knowing I am going somewhere. It usually end with me falling asleep on the bus and got woken up by the driver. 

“I wouldn’t say I was misunderstood, if anything I didn’t put much effort in making sense of myself (for you).”

suburbiadaze said: What is your first language? Can you write something in it, please?

In order to do so I must evaluate whether it matters to me that you may not understand me if I write differently. And it matters to me a little bit. I think. just a little bit.

Anonymous said: I don't think INTPs are lazy. High standards causes perfectionism, which makes it hard for us to start something if we're not sure it's going to be perfect. My therapist used to tell me: "Do you care about *particular issue/interest*?" I said that I did. More so than anything in the world. "Then why don't you do it?" "Fear" "Exactly, and that's why it's not laziness. Lazy people don't care and you do."

I wish someone would’ve said that to me. I’ve gotten rather generous with my use of words. Laziness is much more of a state of doing nothingness to me and most people seems to relate to that on a slightly skewed principle. It is possible I’ve gotten tired of explaining. It’s just way easier to look like a person who doesn’t care then a person who try too hard.

“I want to be so good at lying I can lie to myself I am not lying.”

Anonymous said: Your writing is beautiful

oh Thank you thank you! *awkwardly walks away, unable to handle compliments*

prettysuicidal said: Is it just me or that it's part of INTP to be a "all or nothing" person? This really hurts... In a negative situation. Yet thrive so much on a positive one.

Not to speak for all INTP as this is really “an” INTP blog not “the” INTP blog. Either in limbo of nothingness or on turbo with no breaks. High standards plus laziness really means nothing ever quite get done. As difficult as it is to start, as difficult as it is to stop. Not to mention the idea of time being relative - shitty sense of time.

“I am afraid of hearing my own voice as much as I would like it to be heard.”

Bird without legs


I heard there’s a kind of bird without legs. It flies continuously, and sleeps in the wind. It only lands once in its life… that’s when it dies. 

tkudaya said: "Pity instead of aggression"—You mean that when somebody hurts you, instead of hurting them back, you find a way that you are superior to them (in the context of the situation) and then quietly dismiss them because clearly if they have resorted to hurting or insulting you, they couldn't possibly understand you or your brilliant motives? I do the same thing. It's a great coping mechanism, until you build up this huge sense of superiority that eventually bites you in the ass.

Quite possibly why this egotistic blog was created and I’m too over my head to realize. 

“Exhaust yourself building a wall up and starving within it.”

thisispaper:

Selected Works by Jessica Tremp

thisispaper:

Selected Works by Jessica Tremp